The Croweaters

Flip, I thought by heading slightly South to Adelaide the temperature would drop a bit, but no chance. It's 5 degrees higher at a very respectable 39 in Adelaide and I know already that my seat at the Oval doesn't have any cover. I think I might die!

You're quite correct Sparky, for the non-educated the last installment of my blog might not hold much interest, but bearing in mind I'm now on essentially a cricket tour...did you expect anything less?

First congrats to the Hazeldorffs for baby Charlotte, I'm glad that all are well. However two questions? Where does the red hair come from? Is that a genetic throwback, it must be from Mandy's side! Also, why the confusion over the middle name? It seems a bit of a poor choice for a girl to spell her middle name a d o l f!

Returning to the Fijian coup, I notice from the BBC website that the military leader is back in town again and promises that Military action is imminent now that he has returned from his grandson's christening in Auckland. Isn't great that world politics is dominated by personal social events, I mean did Hitler delay storming into Poland beacuse he was waiting for his car to come out of the repair shop? Did Saddam delay going into Kuwait as he had tickets for the ballet that night. At least our Fijian chap had the courtesy to wait for me to get off his forsaken island, and thankfully he's managed to keep the element of surprise!

Adelaide has a distinctly backward feel to it. It aspiring to be a modern city, but somehow has that "stuck in the 1950s" feel to it. However like all Aussie cities it has a superb public transport system, where you can get eveywhere quickly and cheaply and as importantly you can get a decent meal and a pint for less than a tenner. It does nark me that you have to pay at least 50% more in our country for these basics even when you're basically buying the same stuff. I guess that the spectre of Thatcher's legacy still haunts us after all these years.

My old mucker Lloydy gets into town on Friday morning so I'm looking forward to sipping a couple of amber nectars and throwing some prawns on the barbie with Chobham's overseas player of a couple of years back. He tells me that he has been working on a new mystery delivery that he couldn't master in English conditions...it's called the straight one!

Most disconcertingly I need to report that I found a book in a bookshop in Adelaide called "Matthew Hayden's oriental cookbook". I really can't believe that book ever found a publisher. Whatever next? Flyfishing with IT Botham?

Finally Happy birthdays this weekend to Jo and Wilts. Paul, I hope you enjoy your 40th, make sure you keeping the back warmed up, I don't want you going all stiff on me again next summer. Also fixtures for the 2nd XI have been published and will be circulated by Noviss at some point soon.

Up the Monty

Brisbane Day 5

Ho Hum! 1-o down and 4 to play..sounds very familar!

Now correct me if my memory is playing tricks, but at last year's ashes, weren't the queues round the grounds for miles on the last day as people clambered for tickets? Last day here... 5,000 brits and a few cobbers who arrived in the same taxi. This meant that the Barmy Army was able to sit together and the atmosphere was superb for the first time. They didn't stop singing from the minute they arrived.

So it's an early finish in Brisbane this morning and the loss of KP in the first over of the day was the end of the very slender hopes that we had. He tried to force the pace from the first ball of the day and was out by the fourth after trying to cream every delivery. Compare Collingwood and Pietersen to Langer & Ponting's march from 90 to a 100...the latter all done in singles and nudges. It just simply a matter of professionalism. They are and we're not.

However optimism beckons. McGrath is struggling with fitness, Ponting's back is creaking and we made their bowling look ordinary in the second innings. So hopefully the tide might start to turn. Vice-captain Hilditch is good enough to come back from 2 abysmal shots and the team is capable of regularly posting scores of 450+. The only change required for Adelaide is Monty for Anderson and playing with two spinners, the convicts are talking about bringing MacGill in for Clarke anticipating that the wicket will turn.

And finally can idiots like Botham please keep schtum in the press. What a great idea, let's call the Aussies "Dad's army", of course that won't wind them up and get them to play out of their skins.

Personally I fly to Adelaide on Wednesday morning so have a day and a half to make the most of Brisbane. I might try and be a bit of a culture vulture and see if I can find any decent museums or galleries as it really is too hot to do anything outdoors. To put this heat into perspective, I literally have to pull my belt away from my shorts every night as the the two have welded together during the day and become stuck!

Looks like I spoke too soon in the Fantasy footy, back to my usual mid-table antics....

Up the Monty

Brisbane Day 4

Not quite pride restored, but certainly a much improved performance. Colly and KP really took the fight to the convicts during the afternoon session and you could see at one point that VC Gilly was struggling to know what to do next. In fact it looked like the little blond kid out of his depth was directing affairs in the field, which was an interesting insight into dressing room politics if Ponting's back doesn't recover.

It was devastating for all concerned to see Colly fall 4 short of a deserved hundred. He fought so hard when he came in and played some great strokes once he got past 50. It's the third time in 2006 that he's fallen in the late 90s which suggests that he has the talent but not quite the personal maturity yet to deal with the big pressure moments.

Hopefully KP can go on and complete his ton in the morning, which will be thoroughly deserved as he has looked like a class player all the way through his knock. No slogging, just controlled hitting this time. The rumours in the crowd are that we can still save this match, which is technically possible, but will require us to bat to tea tomorrow with no more than the loss of a wicket. Hoggy, Harmy and Anderson won't last more than a session together. However even if we do lose, we've shown today that we can compete with the Aussies and their attack isn't all that special. McGrath noticeably bowling few overs as the heat caught up with his age, it will be very interesting to see how he copes in back to back matches in Adelaide if he gets another long day in the field.

Off the field, the main story is around the lengths the local police are going to stop anyone having fun. The Barmy Army's trumpeter was evicted from the ground, all beach balls are confiscated and any beer glass snakes are soon dismantled on the grounds of health and safety. They are really getting a bad press here for being overly officious.

Although give the Aussie Cricket board its dues, their ticketing policy and treatment of the barmy army has noticeably reduced the atmosphere and England's 12th man is almost redundant. If only our own cricket board acted in a way that was favourable to helping their team achieve results on the pitch, scrapping 2 lord's tests in favour of two Oval tests and starting the summer in South London would be a good starter.

Bumped into ex-England player Derek Pringle in the street the other day. He really has consumed an enormous quantity of pies since giving up playing! He'd even give Hazeldorff Jr a challenge on the scales. Talking of Stu, do I see that I've snuck into the European places over night in the fantasy footy? When are you going to launch a challenge my Bavarian friend?

Thanks for your posts John & Colin, hope all goes well next week even if your partners are sticking to the "I got pregnant after Cheltenham" line. Do text me or e-mail when it all kicks off!

Sir Richard, good to hear from you. You're right I wouldn't swop this experience for a copper's lot in Addlestone. I trust that your keep-fit regime is going strong as I'm expecting the usual 400 runs/20 wickets next year. Wilts, your absence of posts is very conspicuous, perhaps you're consumed with wedding planning?

Only 9 days to the lovely Liloushka gets out here....and counting...

Here's hoping for an enormous rain clound in the Sunshine State overnight

Up the Monty

Brisbane Day 3

Right this is what's happened! We won the Ashes and in the same way that the rugby team won the world cup, everybody sat back on their laurels and forgot to concentrate on the next chapter. The consequence is the Aussies regrouped, won 11 out of the next 12 and we stumbled badly through 2006.

It's clear that not only are the Aussies more determined to win, but they want to humiliate us in the process. They are more attacking than us, playing better cricket than us and showing more fire then us. In fact Chobham 2nd XI could give this England team a decent game the way that there going about it.

Apart from Belly and Jones the glove, the other members of the team have thoroughly let their country down. It is a considerable embarrassement and thoroughly unenjoyable to have to sit through this nonsense. On the plus side we did let the Aussies get the first test last time and Flintoff got a duck in the first innings, so who knows if history will repeat itself?

Anderson is totally out of his depth. Harmison looks like's he's missing his winter home in Ashington and Flintoff is really struggling to get the basics of captaincy right. Vaughan had clear plans to stop all the Aussie batsmen and employed them to great effect, Freddie is leaving massive gaps in key places in the field and not changing anything to counteract the attacking Aussie batting.

can somebody please pass the butter knife???

Anyhow not wanting to be too despondent, it is a 5 match series and there's plenty of chance for us to put things right in the next 4. We could bat for two days and save this one. We might get a minor miracle and get the first rain in this drought-ridden town for the first time in 18 months? Fletcher might realise that one of his best bowler's is sat on the sidelines tweeking his turban. It's a good job that we played Gilo for his extra runs isn't now!

As you can tell, you don't find me in very good spirits...so I'm off to the nearest English pub, to drink english beer and speak to english people who don't wear lifeguard caps or port ridiculous Merv Hughes moustaches.

Up the Monty

Brisbane Day 2

No Seriously, remind me why I'm doing this? I'm still trying to find a silver lining but it really isn't obvious. Yes, we bowled a lot better today although Anderson is looking out of his depth and Harmison is blowing hot and very cold. Yes, they were tired after 150 overs in the field, but after watching Ponting majestically keeping everything on the ground, surely a batsman of Strauss' class shouldn't have been fooled by the old Hilditch trick? Cook got unlucky with a great ball and Collingwood played across the line a little.

Pleasingly Belly isn't looking like a startled rabbit anymore and KP looks confident. It is going to need big hundreds from 3 out of those two, Freddie and Jonesy for us to recover this one I'm afraid. The wicket is superb and isn't playing any tricks so there shouldn't be a reason why we can't make 600 between the next 17 wickets and occupy a lot of time in doing so.

In fact the only real pleasure that I've had the last two days is watching Punter disconsolately dragging himself away from the crease 4 short of a double hundred. What a shame for the lad, although it did draw a chorus on one Gary Pratt from the Barmy Army which brought much mirth allround.

The temperature hasn't dropped today so it's been another slow burner in Queensland's capital. The pasty complexion has now been replaced the look of a bronzed adonis. You'll all be calling me Stevie Beaton when I get back.

Up the Monty (why isn't he playing again?)

Ant/Rigsby/Swiss/Bally

Brisbane Day1

I'm trying to find the silver lining, but just can't see it yet...anyway back to the cricket later.

Forgot to mention that my trip to Fiji passed off without political incident. As I was 100km out of the capital Suva, I was shielded from any real problems on the street. Up the road Tonga though, which was a place I was considering as a detour from Fiji has had to have Kiwi troops go in and rescue their citizens. 80% of the buildings in the capital got arsoned last week, so it might have ended up looking like Staines Sparky!

Thanks to all of you who have posted messages and sent e-mails of late. Zulu, I would be delighted if you take 15 more wickets than me in 2007. If you got that thumb print off your head and played a bit more, you might stand a chance! RA, cheers for the accusations of banditary, I'm sure my family members will be delighted to read your thoughts and will only serve to re-inforce their firmly entrenched views on your profession. Simon, hope the boys are doing well and you and Kirsty are getting some sleep? John/Colin any movement yet with your respective partners...we're about 39 weeks on from that Cheltenham weekend, so it really should be any day soon!

Arrived in the convict colony on Tuesday and knew that I had hit civilazation when I turned on the telly and the first face that I saw was Lord Geoffroi de Boycott. The hotel/appartment is spot-on, 10 miutes walk to the Gabba (the Brisbane Cricket ground for the un-educated amongst you), 5 minutes to a Subway (sandwich shop not the train) and 10 minutes to one of Brissy's livilest pubs. It even has launderette facilities which are becoming an urgent need soon.

The town itself is your average modern town, all high rise blocks and little character, although there are some nice walks by the river. According to the locals there is zip to do in the city, "if you want tourism go to Sydney", said one helpful ex-convict. So with that in mind I went to the cinema yesterday and saw another quality piece of cinematography. Jackass 2. Not sure it's one for the ladies, but boys you will love it. RA in particular it will appeal to your mindless sense of humour.

You're probably thinking "what about the cricket", which I've been trying to avoid as the felons are 350 for very little. It really is a batting paradise out there and both teams should comfortably make 500, so my first result prediction of the series is for a very high scoring draw. Which means we'll probably go down by an innings! Punter was, it pains me to say, imperious and didn't put a foot wrong. The dwarf was a little lucky and collected 30 odd in edges through 3rd man. Overall we bowled well although Anderson couldn't seem to stop bowling short and got appropriately carted.

Seat is middle tier at deep mid-wicket/ cover-point so have an excellent view and more importantly is out of the sun for the first half of the day. After that it's full on pressure cooker stuff and I could really do with a skin-graft in this heat. Yes Mum, I have got the factor 70 on before you worry!

Still Gilo is confident that we'll come back strongly. He's better be cos I've been sat with the "Boony Army" all day and their incomprehensible accents have left me baffled to say the least. Although I think it's fair to say that they do have bragging rights so far. The Barmy Army have come out with some quality singing today, you will find their song sheet on http://www.barmyarmy.com/baharm_lyrics_ateam.cfm. Please feel free to sing-a-long at your desks.

Anyhow must go, I'm starving and need a beer

Up the Monty

The land where nothing works

Bula!

What's the weather like in Blighty? I only ask as when I touched down in Fiji. it was 25 degrees at 5 am, and got to 37 by lunchtime..ouch! What's that? Is it wet, cold and miserable back home...shame!

so basically, nothing works in Fiji. No golf balls on the driving range, no courtesy transfer to the hotel as their bus was broken. Sizzling beef salad without the beef. Washing machines don't appear to exist as my sheets and towels had that slight greyish tinge suggesting that they had been in use for well over thirty years. Nice!

The heat is absolutely sapping out here, so you can't really do much apart from sit by the beach/pool. It really is tough, but has given me chance to catch up on some decent reading. Good recommendation Simon...Dawkin's God Delusion is superb and well worth a read. I''m now half way through The Holy Blood and the Holy grail, the book that Dan Brown nicked the ideas and plotline for the Da Vince code from and it is equally gripping.

Possible highlight of this leg of the trip was an island-hopping trip to some of the remote desert islands.. We really are talking Robinson Crusoe stuff. We even passed less than 50 yards from the island where they film non-celebrity love island. Wow!

Definite lowlights are the absence of all the scantily clad sun-kissed maidens that I was expecting. The euphemist in me would say that the women out here are big-boned, the reality is that the majority could get contracts playing prop for Hull Kingston Rovers! Equally annoyingly is the traditional Fijian music that is piped everywhere. Kinda nice to be greeted at the airport by a band playing native tunes, but when it follows you around to every public place...not so good. Imagine the Drifters doing country & Western, but with blacked up George Formby's on the ukilele. As grating as the Crazy frog!

And to top things off with a smile, a 5hr delay at the airport to catch the flight to Brisbane. I didn't think that I would be so glad to see the land of the convict. Only two days to go and it looks like Belly, Fred, Colly are all in form. Come on the Poms!

Up the Monty

Mr Mojo Risin'

God Bless you, God Bless America! The land of the free, the land of the great outdoors and the land of some of the slickest marketing this side of Donald Trump's quiff.

Arrived at LA international on Monday afternoon after the flight of the puking businessman next to me. A fat, slimey, loud-mouthed, obnoxious yank who ordinarily I would have wished this bout of travel sickness on. Unfortunately this time he was sat in the adjoining aisle seat and so kinda disrupted my enjoyment of Alaska Airlines' travel experience.

Digressing slightly it was actually nice to land in California this time as my last attempt to land in this state was slightly aborted as the events of Sept 11th 2001 unfolded and I was left going round in circles over Greenland as the Virgin Captain decided what to do.

I knew that LA was big, but nothing prepared you for the sight of this metropolis from the air. It's fucking massive with houses, developments, highways and life strecthing in all directions. I found out later that there are 6 million cars in the LA district and I think that most of them were out on the roads to greet my arrival. Driving a hire car on the other side of the road is usually a testing experience, but this was like having your first driving lesson around the Arc de Triomphe.

Accommodation is care of the Marriott at the airport on the 14th floor with a view of the runway. I know it's souless, corporate and lacking in American indigenous culture, but it was cheap and equidistant to the two things that I wanted to do in California's finest.

Tuesday was the day that a "million dreams come true", or so the hoardings say as you pull up onto Disneyland Drive. Whether you see the Disney phenomenon for how it's marketed as a wonderful land of make-believe or how it's really marketed as a cynical misuse of children's psyche to make a fortune of cash. You can't fail to be impressed by the magic that is Disney. Some great theme park rides, including shooting 100m up into the air in less than a second, some interesting films on the history of the Californian people and a chance to meet Pixar's latest creations Lightning MacQueen and Mater up close and personal.

I even got the channe to ride in the cabin of the steamboat cruiser, the Mark Twain, around the lake, singled out by the Skipper for personal treatment as we were boarding. He clearly batted for Lancashire and so I spent the entire trip nervously fielding questions of "what I was into?" I've obviously got a chutney magnet over my head this year..what am I doing wrong?

Still I got to blow on the Cruiser's horn , so I went home happy. Ah! So that'll be what it is then...

The firework display was suitably impressive and ended with the snow machines bizarrely blowing a snowstorm over the park. This despite a very comfortably sunny day that required a dab of the suntan lotion for the first time this trip. And yes Craig, it was factor fuck-off...

Wednesday was spent in the heart of cinema land in Hollywood, taking in a limousine trip to the homes of the stars. Cliched yes. Facinating very much so. I got within keying distance of Paris Hilton's car, spitting distance of Scientology god Tom Cruises' front gate and appropriately enough pissing distance of the Whisky-a-go-go club. The club where one of my three favourite bands of all time, the Doors, were discovered and made their name. (James and Talk Talk are the other two for the vaguely interested)

The trip included a thirty minute trip to walk up Rodeo Drive and check out the windows of Gucci, Max Mara and De Beers. Thank god Lila wasn't with me, a month's wages wouldn't have even covered the tip of the guy who holds your coat on the way in!

Thursday has been spent on a beautiful 5 mile hike from Venice to Santa Monica beach. Imagine St Tropez but without a soul to be seen and without the frogs! Tonight I head into the warzone that is Fiji, although my travel agent reassures me that coups are common place in this part of the world so nothing to worry about. It's also the first time that I've crossed the international date-line, so I don't have a Friday this week. My ex-colleagues at Unilever will no doubt say that I didn't have one of those when I worked there either!

As the Ashes is only a week away, prediction for the line up for Brisbane is Strauss, Cook, Bell, KP, Colly, Fred, Jones, Giles, Hoggy, Harmison, Monty vs Flattrack Bully, Dwarf, Wanker, Marto, Hussey, little blond kid out of his depth, Gilly, Warney, Chucker, Johnson and was it really 5-0 last time Glen?

Up the Monty

It's a monsoon out here!

OK, so I've packed badly for the first part of the trip. I was working on being in exotic temperatures for the majority of the time so have come very under-prepared for the monsoon season. 5 days of incessant rain and temperatures close to 5 degrees was not what I had in mind. In fact it's so wet that they've had flooding in this part of the world fairly recently. We're not talking Katrina-esque conditions but it's pretty miserable hearing nothing but rain lashing the windows.

So activities in Seattle have been confined to indoors as a result. Friday night was a hoot as the three of us went for a Mexican and then saw the new Sacha Baron Cohen film, Borat. For those not familar with his comic genius, you really need to see this. It's possibly the funniest 2 hours you'll spend this year and some of the film will go down in cinematic history as some of the most jaw-droppingly funny moments ever. I know the Yanks are prone to over-reaction, but this literally had people rolling in the aisles with the poor chap behind me sounding like he was going to need medical attention.

Saturday's plan to see Seattle's newest tourist attraction, essentially a museum of modern music, was abandoned as a gas leak in the area prevailed. So I spent an enjoyable afternoon in the Science museum, particularly impressed by the showings on the IMAX screen of the discovery of Tutenkhamun's tomb.

Back to Andy's for a paella party that was thrown in my honour and it was lovely to see all of her friends, a few that I hadn't seen for a number of years. I was impressed with the ease that she was able to put on a dinner party for 13 without breaking sweat, and the traditional paella was superb. Everybody made me feel very welcome although I really wasn't sure if the young lady who was trying to encourage me to buy a sarong for the fijian leg of my trip was taking the piss or not. I mean can you imagine the ridicule if I turned up in a Becks like wrap-a-round? My research on the south pacific has found that homosexuality is generally frowned upon, so this course of action may not be too wise. Apparently men look great in sarongs...yeah and women look great in dungarees with mohican hair-dos.

Sunday morning was taken up with my second baby shower of the month. Those of you who know may well will know that I'm not one to look out of place in this bastion of feminity, so it wasn't a problem to get down and talk leaking breasts and pelvic floor muscle exercises. Lila told me to buy Andy a nice present from the two of us and I think she was really pleased to receive a bottle of "Butt cream".

Again it was great to see so many of Andy's friends, about twenty dragging themselves to a ludicrously early start of 10:30. I had a really interesting chat with a couple who had just come back from a proper world tour, taking in 25 countries in a year, and got a recommendation that I would be best taking in Tahiti rather than Fiji if I wanted to avoid the bloodshed. He was waxing lyrical about a fountain where naked chicks go for the purifying effects of the water. I'm still waiting my travel agent's response to how much it would cost to take in this particular wonder of the modern world.

The news from Fiji is still a little sketchy, so still no decision on wether it is safe to go there still. I guess I'll just have to keep an eye on developments of the Foreign Office website as the most recently published news there is for British nationals not to travel there. Ho Hum!

So this morning I head back to SeaTac airport for the shorter flight down to LA to see Mickey and friends. Not so much the Disney characters but a crack dealer that I was recommended from South Central from somebody I met on Saturday night! Unfortunately it's a sad farewell to Andy & Paul who have opened their house and life up to me this week. It was great to see you guys again and I know that you'll be terrific parents to Ben & Sam. Come visit once the boys are old enough!

Thanks for all the food, lifts, stories and accomodation. I really appreciated you starting my trip off on the right note. However can you sort your bloody weather out. If I want rain I'd have gone to Skegness.

On the sporting front, a terrific late winner from Oakesey saw off Oxford in the cup. It's amazing how excited you can get watching a computer screen and seeing the vidiprinter results coming in on the BBC website. Shame I won't be there for the Charlton 1/4 finals. It's about the best draw we could have asked for. Good to see that KP and the boys have had a good day and we might be getting into some kind of form for the first test. May be it was worth it after all

Up the Monty

The Emerald city

Yik shamish. Ant is in the US in A

Firstly thanks to the many of you who have sent e-mails and postings to this blog...it's good to hear news of back home. Although it was very noticeable that most people's comments have wished me well on my trip, whereas my brother posted me a story about a gentleman from Sunderland who needed rectal surgery after launching a firework from his A-hole. Nice to know that was uppermost on your mind when you thought of me David!!

So I was proved right, the South-East's transport service let us down on Tuesday. A final night with the lovely Liloushka was interrupted by a broken down train which meant it took her three hours to get home and then the M3 was blocked for ages on Wednesday morning meaning that we sat nervously in the car hoping that I would make my flight. At one point we were contemplating hopping onto the opposite carriageway and thumbing a lift it was getting that tight!

However, Heathrow was made in enough time to be one of the first in the queue to check in and security was cleared in no time at all. After 17 years as an adult flying passenger, I managed to for only the second time in my life, swing the "Do you know who my uncle is" routine. Ron, I was so grateful that you dedicated years of your working life to BA, so that I was able to get an extra three inches of leg room and an upgrade out of cattle class. "Would you like another glass of Chablis Mr Ball?", "Thanks very much and any chance of a fluffy pillow when you've got a spare moment?"

Good flight accompanied by some fine literature courtesy of the Daily telegraph, Viz and Nuts magazine and was able to find plenty of good films. Cars was a good recommendation, thanks Natalie & Freya.

Now the reasoning for my first stop being Seattle was to stay with old friends Andy & Paul. I should clarify that Andy is in fact Andrea, I feel that I get enough "Chandler-like qualities" comments without fanning the flames further by suggesting that I was going to live with a "modern couple". It's been great to spend time catching up with old university friend Andy and sharing stories of staggering round the streets of Durham when we were kids.

Wednesday night, despite suffering from reasonable jet-lag, we went to the theatre to watch a comic group called Capital Steps. As most of the Senate and Represntative House election results were known by then it was culturally interesting to bear witness to this group lambasting Dubya and his cronies. They were like a younger Bird, Bremner and Fortune with a few song and dance routines thrown in. I particularly enjoyed Saddam Hussein's rendition of Paul Simon's "Still crazy after all these years" and a Bo Selecta puppet of the North Korean leader. Who says Americans don't do cutting edge political satire? And apparently the British security forces caught onto the summer plane threat when they knew that toothpaste tubes were going to be used? It was such a sure give-away cos who in the UK uses toothpaste was the bring the house down punchline. Remember my friends we weren't the ones who elected a Blofeld style meglomaniac to be our leader...twice...

Thursday was spent taking in the tourist trail in the Emerald city. The space needle is still a great edifice with fantastic views around the Puget sound http://www.spaceneedle.com/. I wandered down to Pike place market to see the site of the fishmongers throwing their products at their customers, which is a traditional activity in this part of the world apparently? Although the possible highlight of the day was popping into a bar that from outside looked a little like the Cheers Bar with a cosy atmosphere and turned out to be the kind of bar that Napalm Death groupies hang out in. When the old boy who I swear used to play Uncle Jesse in the Dukes of Hazzard strolled over for a chat and spat his gum at my feet, I thought it might be a time for a sharp exit.

On the sporting front, congrats to the Blues in getting through to the quarter finals of the Carling cup and not so many congrats to the England cricket team in getting a pasting to a Canberra pub side. Whay have I spent all this money coming out here again??

Up the Monty

Bad luck all hopefully out the way

Christ on a bike! I guess that bad luck does always comes in threes. So in the last fortnight, when I've doing my level best to save as much money as possible to have more beer tokens in Oz, the following has gone wrong.... Fridge packs up, have to live on take-aways for three days, replacement cost £160. Exhaust on car fails, making the usually slick coupe sound like a flatulent elephant, replacement parts £190. And then this morning, the heating element that I thought had failed in the car, turns out to be a hole in the radiator, meaning that there is no water in the cooling system and I'm looking at at least £270 notes worth of damage.

Oh and of course they don't have the necessary parts in stock today to repair it. I'm mean it's only the main Peugeot dealership in the area, so why would they? Which means I won't get the car back until later this week when I'll be 6,000 miles away at a Paella party in Seattle. So sorry Julie-Ann (the lodger), but the car you've been so patiently waiting to get off my hands, is going to take a few extra days to arrive and you're stuck on Woking's public transport for a bit longer.

Logistically this has also scuppered my trip to Basingstoke for one last romantic night in with Lila before I depart. So, it's taxis trains and buses to contend with on a Tuesday night for me meaning that we'll probably get about 20 minutes together. Joy!

Still the extra travelling time means that I can get one ear glued to the radio to catch up with Wycombe's first ever sortie into the fourth round of the Carling cup with out getting grief for being distracted. Boys, I know I've let you down in not making the trip to spend an afternoon drinking in a pub overlooking the Trent in Nottingham, but hope you have a good time and do spend me match reports on the fantasy footy message board tomorrow.

Apart from that we're all systems go down here...packing almost done, farewells said, match tickets in the pocket. All's left to do is enjoy twenty three odd days of test match cricket in the sun...tough life! At least there was some good news, a jolly decent chap from the Barmy Army website forum has been able to send me tickets for the Sydney Test match on day 3 & 4, so only missing Sydney day 1 & 2 for a full set.

Up the Monty

Months of planning

Ah so it works, settingup a blog is as easy as the website said it would be!

Well morning viewers and welcome to Ant's on-line diary. I'm not sure if I'll keep this going all the way around the world, but it seems to be the easiest way to keep contact with the troops back home. Hopefully I'll be bringing you tales of the cricketing extravaganza that awaits as Freddie and the boys set off to keep the urn intact.

First things first, My tour diary .....

Wed Nov 8 Seattle
Mon Nov 13th LA
Thu Nov 16th Fiji
Tue Nov 21 Brisbane
Wed Nov 29 Adelaide
Wed Dec 6 Perth
Wed Dec 19 Wellington
Xmas day Melbourne
New Year's Eve Sydney
MonJan 8th go home
Sat Jan 20th skiiing in Schiffau

Well at least that's the plan unless the troops in Fiji start kicking off (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6115858.stm), and I'm forced into a reluctant change of venue to top up the pasty complexion. Bit of a shame that months of preparation might go up in smoke just bacause the PM of a distant land caused offence when he accussed the top military brass of nicking his name from an 8Os pop band.

As departure is only 4 days away, the final plans have got to the "oh fuck I've got so much to do phase". Not of it especially complicated just very time consuming to remember to do it all. I mean there's a lot to do when you're out of the country for pratically 13 weeks, so apologies in advance if you're Xmas cards only arrive in time for next December..if you've got a birthday whilst I'm away, forget the card..you might get a text from a bar in Adelaide.

Thankfully I was able to take in a visit to hospital on Friday night to be one of the first witnesses to the life of Chloe Amelia Pleban. John and Alli, I'm really chuffed that everything has worked out and you both looked proud beyond words. Good to see that another redhead has entered the world, the cursed gene is propogating out of control.

So that's baby 3 safely arrived, only two more to go. Not that I'm perturbed too much by social trends, but it really does seem that everybody's either getting pregnant, got pregnant or recently squeezed one out. Fortunately Lila and I are keeping the hormones at bay and there still doesn't appear to be any news on that front this decade. Obviously best wishes to John/Ruth, Colin/Mandy and hoping that the planned arrival of your ginger off-spring goes to plan in my absence.

Yesterday marked the end of my contract at Unilever and a real tear-jerker it proved to be, there was wailing and gnashing of teeth-a-plenty as I walked out of the buffered reception one final time with my P45 sticking out of my back pocket. The girls in the recruitment did me proud with some fantastic presents (a personally signed Freddie England shirt included) and a good dance round your handbag session at the Bye-bye Bird's Eye bash on Thursday night. A free bar on your last night was a terrific gesture guys! However a few comments, Rob..the sidies have got to go, Gill...didn't believe a word of it, DC....great top, Leila..you can buy that kind of stuff on the internet, Colesey...incredible dance shapes, you're in the wrong job girl and Shhhammmoooone...great drinking skills!

So this marks the end of chapter one of my blog, please pass on comments if you can be arsed. I'm off out to Woking for a final piss-up in Surrey's fairest town. Although apparently they've closed most of the pubs as the famous striped men from the cathedral city are in town and stocks of scrumpy have already run low.

Up the Monty